Lost?!?!

Lost in the crowd, never ending....

We called, 24 hours+ in advance. Gordon's birthday, what? Let's all take out our phones now, call everyone on our phone lists. Mariah chants out numbers for Alex and I to dial, panic frenzy, who to invite, who not to forget, who to pair up?? Drama, drama, we don't want drama!!! We plot, we plan, we go...?

As we eat pizza for Gordon's birthday, sing him happy birthday, we pair people up, don't forget people!! Keep calling, keep planning... I hope this works!!! Leave messages, don't forget a thing!! I chat it up with people play it nice... awe Elizabeth and Andrew are so cute, discuss drama, talk about the state fair with Kelly, sounds like so much fun!!!

Unwrap presents, and off we go!! Woodbury days, keep calling, find people, keep calling, alert people, keep calling. Tomorrow, we're excited, tomorrow we fear. We walk, we gather, we get free stuff!! Firworks, hugs... AMANDA!!!!!!! Football, no ball, cuddle... I miss Adam. Back rubs, longs talks, miss people. Dazzling delights!!

Wake up the next day, today is the big day. Wait around till 4, call Alex, I'm over. People still calling, amazing set up. Caleb buys Andrea a dozen roses, so beautiful! Do our hair, put on our dressed. People come, sparkling juice, picture time, greeting time, hanging out time. The fun just begins. We discuss, debait, yell "Bar Keep!!" and get "smashed". Evan and I talk about our days. Everyone is beautiful, everyone gathers, dinner time. "HI ADAM!!" everyone yells. Breath taking, great meal, habor snacks, Gordon is a gentalman. Twister, dancing, loads of fun!!

...But where in all of this do I belong? Lost inside the crowd... I know I make my own decisions, but my mind... it was stressed out. I talked to everyone as long as I could. I think that Kelly and I got along really well, I'm glad she came because she was debaiting it. I loved seeing Andrea so happy with Caleb and Elizabeth with Andrew and I couldn't help to think I belonged with Adam. I didn't want to miss him as much as I do, I feel like crying because with out him here there's no one with on everything 100%. I feel like I lost one of my dearest friends lately too. And it hurts and it burns and I don't know where I belong.

Basement to trampoline, basement to trampoline.... No where to be. I almost with I could have sat on the hill in silence with Dana. So at peace to think. I would have liked to join her and Jenna if I didn't have to leave, but at the same time, it was nice to go considering I had nothing to do. Everyone there is a good friend of mine, but when I left I got the overwhelming impression of "thank goodness." I love all my friends, and would give up all my happiness and life for every single one... EVERY SINGLE ONE! But I always feel so alone in this. I thank Mariah for trying to keep me busy while Adam has been gone. And Alex for being her sweet self. And Caleb for giving me hugs and support and Jamie for wanting to be there. But sometimes... it not enough, You need that stable friend whose always there.

And I feel like I've lost her in these few weeks. But at the same time I've been trying to reach out, unsuccessfully, but at least I try. I'd give my life for any of my friends, would they in return?

Much Love*Amy